put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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