My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
