there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
