Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
