I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dicks are not precious.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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