my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
