Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
