woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
