you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
