what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
