The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
