Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
