sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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