Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
