She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
