I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
