You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I want a musical about memes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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