I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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