I faked an abortion last night.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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