im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I did not marry a roomba.
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