I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
