Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
