god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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