I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
