he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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