smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
