just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
