so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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