I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
