if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
