so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
