when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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