I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
