i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Found the puke drawer
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
