people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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