I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
