I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
