woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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