Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
