jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
