My friends, they love my intelligence
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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