i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
