Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
