so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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