My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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