he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
