just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
