Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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