my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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