he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
