i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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