last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
