so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
